Rev. Cathie: 0:09

Welcome back. This is episode three of Will you Walk With Me. I pray that you are in a safe and good place as we meet together this day or this night, depending on when you're listening. So last summer my family joined a gym. I really got into working out. I got headphones with Bluetooth so I could work out to music on my phone. I got a few pairs of pants with a long pocket on the side to put my phone in. I got a special water bottle, towels and a gym bag. I was all in and still am. For the most part, I mean, it's winter here on the east coast and sometimes, between the weather and my schedule, which is always more active from September to June, it's pretty packed, but whenever I get a chance I go to the gym.

Rev. Cathie: 1:04

I love working out. I also love leading worship for my church family. I love sharing the word of God and offering different ways to embrace scripture. I love to worship and, when I can, with my seminary family. I still am connected with my seminary and most of the time it's on YouTube, but it brings me joy to share the word with them.

Rev. Cathie: 1:29

I love education. Those of you that know me personally know that I'm always looking for a new course to take or book to read. I also love to learn something new and talk about it with other people. So that's body, spirit and educational mind. But what about my emotions, my mental health? What about my life force, my creativity, my joy or not? As I have shared in prior episodes, I have a therapist and spiritual director, both trusted in support of encouraging gifts in my life, gifts from God, and I'm grateful because they walk the journey with me. But there's no special gear, no book review, no alleluia shouting in my therapist's office. But it's through the many, many hours, weeks, years that in that space I learned more about myself and came to love myself more than any other thing that I found joy in.

Rev. Cathie: 2:38

I remember the first time I walked into therapy 30 years ago. I did not want to go, but the emotional unrest I was experiencing around how much God loved me and how unworthy I felt brought me to my priest at the time and he listened and he was wonderful, but he said he would not walk with me long term. He said that he would see me for six sessions and I should go to a therapist. I can't believe that was 30 years ago, but it was one of the three best decisions that I made in my life to date. I still didn't want to go as the day was approaching for my appointment. I knew I just wanted to deal with the particular problem I was having. I didn't want to go into a deep dive into my entire life.

Rev. Cathie: 3:36

I was 20 minutes late to my first session. I was surprised she waited when I got to the office. We exchanged pleasantries and then I sat on her couch and kicked my foot around for the next 20 minutes, saying nothing. Very productive use of time, not. But when the time was up, she said two things to me. First, she said that I was one of the less than 1% of the people who knew they needed someone to talk to, who actually had the courage to do something about it. She was proud that I showed up. She also said that this was my one pass. Don't be late again. If I wanted her to walk with me, I would have to show up on time. That's pretty fair. Well, I showed up on time, but I didn't say a whole lot in those early sessions.

Rev. Cathie: 4:44

I had built a pretty hard shell around myself. I'm a survivor, you know but I was also in a whole lot of pain as a new priest to have that support and, just like the priest who encouraged me to go originally, my bishop was so right. The difference between those early years and now is that for me, her office is a spiritual place Rather than a place where I had to speak about all the mistakes I made and how I thought people were treating me badly. Sure, I still talk about things that upset me, but from a place of participating in my healing, not just a place to be complaining. I feel God's presence as I share my journey with her, instead of thinking of things to talk about so I could check it off my list for the week. My time is a welcome place where I can be exactly who I am in the moment, with no judgment, just support.

Rev. Cathie: 5:55

When I spoke about the three stories of anger and pain in episode two, I wanted to make the point that no matter what a person is going through, god knows, and God knows what it takes, and if what it takes is unleashing an emotional wrath to help heal, god is ready and willing to receive the best weekend dish out. Lieutenant Dan from the movie Forest Gump and President Bartlett from the show the West Wing were fictional characters, so I can't say exactly what their relationship with God was. But in thinking on my own story and my anger during my father's illness, it came to me that I unleashed my anger at God because I was taught that God loved me and when you pray, god hears the prayers and God answers them. I couldn't feel anything, I didn't understand about how God answers prayers. What I knew was I felt alone and rejected and that God was not hearing me, and so if I screamed loud enough I would surely get his attention. I am not.

Rev. Cathie: 7:11

We are not the only ones in history who have ever been in pain. In fact, there's a section of the Psalms in the Bible called the Psalms of Lament or Sadness, psalm 13, verses one and two from the New Living translation oh Lord, how long will you forget me Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? There is definitely suffering going on for the writer of this Psalm.

Rev. Cathie: 7:59

At a clergy retreat I attended last year, the speaker that joined us, the Reverend Dr Robert Phillips, reflected on the Psalms of Lament, we actually had an opportunity to write one of our own. It was an awesome experience for me. I was in the dark times of early 2023 that I had spoken about in episode one, and even if I wanted to shout out to God, I was just too tired and had no energy to scream. Reverend Phillips wrote a book called Space for Grace Pathways from Brokenness to Beauty. He includes in the book several samples of personal laments, one of them I'd like to share. The author is anonymous, but the subject is real for every one of us A season of disorientation, living the COVID-19 pandemic.

Rev. Cathie: 9:02

How long, oh Lord? How long? How long will this virus dictate the ins and outs of my life? How long will I live in uncertainty and in the great unknown? How long, oh Lord, how long?

Rev. Cathie: 9:20

I feel frustrated, like a visitor to a foreign country, not knowing the language, and everyone I encounter has no patience with me. I feel anxious and scared, like hearing a disturbing sound in a dark room and not being able to exit to safety because every door I try is locked. I feel sad, like a young child who has lost his parents to an untimely death. Please grant me hope so I may have the strength to endure whatever I must, to endure at last experiencing whatever you have in store for me. Please grant me a lightness of spirit that I may be open to hearing your voice and feeling your love wherever I may go. Please energize joy within me that I might navigate these times in ways that are healthy.

Rev. Cathie: 10:12

For Lord, I am running on low and I need a spark from you to rejuvenate. But when I remember the times you healed my body from unexpected illnesses, mended my heart from dysfunctional and broken relationships and kept me sane in the midst of what seemed to be impossible situations, I am able to step out on my faith in my relationship with you. Whatever the texture and relationship might be, I will praise you for being God now and forevermore. Three words, three sets of words, speak out to me from that psalm of lament. How long, oh Lord, lord, I am running on low and I step out on my faith when we're facing challenges in life. I don't know about you, but I get scared. I want to know with every fiber of my being that God is with me and things are going to get better fast. That takes a lot of emotional energy and I find myself running very low, which sets me up for exhaustion, panic and depression. The only reason that I can say with intentionality that I can step out on my faith stronger today than years ago is because I am able to receive God's love, god's word and the blessing of friends from many faith traditions. Also, I got to a point in my life where I realized that there is nothing about me that God doesn't already know. So, when I can speak to God just as I am, yes, I need for God to hold me accountable, but yes, I know I can receive the gift of God's love morning, noon and night. Now, it's not that I don't experience anxiety today, but I'm more open to draw on the power, yes, the power of God's word.

Rev. Cathie: 12:37

For example, philippians 4, 6, through 7 from the message translation don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns Before you know it. A sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. And also from the Old Testament, isaiah 43, 1,.

Rev. Cathie: 13:19

Also from the message, but now God's message, the God who made you in the first place, jacob, the one who got you started, israel, don't be afraid, I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end. That's how much I love you. I'd sell off the whole world to get you back. I'd trade the creation just for you, just as important today as back in those biblical days of old.

Rev. Cathie: 14:14

So you may be thinking at this point good for you, reverend Kathy, but I know God doesn't love me. I'm not a good person. People in my life have told me that I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I speak, I don't like the way I act. I'm too angry, I'm too shy, I'm too whatever. But I'm here to tell you this God does love you, god cares for you and God wants to walk with you. You may not feel that. I get it. You may not understand it. I get that too. What can really be scary is the realization that, besides not having much faith in God, I've gotten none in myself. I don't have any faith in me. So now what? Well, pack your gym bag, we're going to go for a workout.

Rev. Cathie: 15:26

Would it surprise you if I said that faith is a verb? What's a verb? Let's go back to grammar school English. It's an action word. Faith does not exist like a lump of clay, but rather it exists like a muscle that needs to be developed over time. In the book Faith is a Verb the Dynamics of Adult Faith Development by Kenneth Stokes, the author talks about the flow of developing faith. He writes faith as a verb is intriguing. A verb is a word of action. The verb is a sequence that indicates movement, activity, direction, purpose. There is a dynamic quality about a verb. A verb indicates that something is happening.

Rev. Cathie: 16:20

Faith is more than doctrine, belief, religious law or creeds. It is more than something we receive from God or learn in a confirmation class or profess at a Bar mitzvah ceremony. Faith is always in process. Faith is movement, and to say, as we usually do, I have faith makes faith a totally passive thing. I happen to have faith. It lacks the full quality of movement, creativity and sense of development that is the goal of human life.

Rev. Cathie: 17:01

Faith is a verb, and when you say that it suggests new dimensions with tremendous potential for all of us. But ultimately, my faith must be owned by me. It must be owned by me. It is vital to care for myself with intentionality and authenticity. Our activities are ones with the aim of caring for and replenishing our soul, nourishing body, mind and spirit to help create fertile soil for faith to grow. Self-care focuses on our inner self, caring for ourselves on a deeper level rather than some surface level. This intentional journey begins with getting to know yourself and getting to know God.

Rev. Cathie: 18:06

Now, this may sound a little kooky, but here's a suggestion. I've actually done it. Take yourself out on a date. Go to lunch with yourself, walk in the woods, go to the shore, listen to the beautiful waves, whatever works for you, whatever turns you on. Welcome all parts of your being to this date Small, child, teenager, young, adult, adult you are now. Welcome the happy times, welcome the challenging times, welcome the times that you think to yourself how did I ever get through that? Welcome and celebrate your gifts.

Rev. Cathie: 18:52

One has gifts. Some are public ones, like painters, photographers, singers, etc. Others gifts are not so public. Are you a good listener? Are you a good support person? Are you a person who prays for someone in need. Embrace all of you.

Rev. Cathie: 19:13

Jeremiah 1.5 says before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. God was not just talking to Jeremiah. God was speaking to all of us and when you feel safe, ask God to walk with you. Matthew 11, 29 through 30 from the message says walk with me and work with me. Watch how I do it, learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. Walk with yourself and then ask God to walk with you. Get to know your inner self and your higher self. Listen to your intuition, the Holy Spirit within you. Once you start to develop your intuition, you'll develop an inner knowing about what your soul needs to be healthy and at peace. You'll know what you need in self-care and all of its forms then becomes honoring that need. And the beauty is that self-care activities themselves will allow you to develop your intuition. The more you practice them, which means over time, listening to the needs of your highest self, will strengthen your faith.

Rev. Cathie: 20:51

It's a process. Sometimes it's meant to be done alone. Sometimes, besides asking God, you ask someone on earth to help and walk with you. Self-care is nurturing the seeds of beauty that are in each one of us, planted at the very beginning of our lives. So now I'm going to go back to how I started our time together.

Rev. Cathie: 21:21

The part of my journey, my self-care is grabbing my gym bag, digging into the many books I have and finding others to share, learning with shouting alleluia and thanking God for the blessings I have and my journey of faith development. It's never too late to start this journey in all of its forms. Self-care, all of the opportunities to grow and to learn are available in this journey and in the next episodes I will be sharing different types of experiences that can help you get to know yourself, grow closer to God and help you see yourself as God sees you A precious creation. I'm inviting you to walk with me on this journey, a journey to know the healing, life-giving, life-restoring power of God through His Son Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit. I would be willing to walk with you, just ask.

Rev. Cathie: 22:35

I hope that you will join me in future episodes and I want you to be sure that you know that if you are in need of someone to talk to, a professional like I treasure in my own journey and you don't know who to contact. You can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, accessible nationwide by dialing 1-800-273-8255, and also the 3-digit 988 Suicide Crisis Line, designed to be a memorable and quick number that connects people who are in mental health crisis to a trained mental health professional. And if you would like to reach out to us, please send us a note at podcast at willyouwalkwithmecom. And, as always, I want to thank my producers, andrew and Catherine, and to all of you for listening. I pray that each of you see the hand of Jesus extended, reaching out to you, knowing that you are a child of God and you can grab on whenever you can and have a blessed partner for the journey forward. See you next time.